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28 June 2010

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I met my old lover
On the street last night
She seemed so glad to see me
I just smiled
And we talked about some old times
And we drank ourselves some beers
Still crazy after all these years BUY Allegra (Brand) ONLINE NO PRESCRIPTION, So it seems that The Second Awakening, that is when I get around to posting on it, which is approximately never right now (New Job. Ongoing Tiger Beatdown Commitment. Did We Mention A Little Footy Match Between Deutschland and England Today?), is going to be my Whine Blog. Which is okay, Allegra (Brand) coupon, I guess, although I seem to have done a lot of work just to make a MySpace page.

So today, Where can i find Allegra (Brand) online, I'm going to talk about love. Yes, love, BUY Allegra (Brand) ONLINE NO PRESCRIPTION.

Well, okay, and sex.

I'm not the kind of man
Who tends to socialize
I seem to lean on
Old familiar ways
And I ain't no fool for love songs
That whisper in my ears
Still crazy after all these years

See, order Allegra (Brand) online c.o.d, the thing is, for a long time I've been good at being alone. I made an art of it: I could sing the libretto of loneliness with the best of them, Farmacia Allegra (Brand) baratos, Allegra (Brand) online kaufen, 'tis true. And you know, it's mostly good; I have my cats, my writing, some good friends, Allegra (Brand) 800mg, 875mg, 900mg, a decent job, the occasional trip to other corners of the map. BUY Allegra (Brand) ONLINE NO PRESCRIPTION, I'm not complaining much.

Sure, Allegra (Brand) pharmacy, there was a time after my marriage imploded, then exploded, then imploded twice more before exploding a few more times, when I wasn't so good anymore at being alone. I'd been in relationships, Allegra (Brand) for sale, long-term relationships, for a decade, and I didn't really remember how to deal with being alone again, Allegra (Brand) 250mg, especially not suddenly. Don't fret, ducks; it worked out, and it gave me the space to figure out what it was that I needed to do with my life.

And part of what I was going to do to myself, rx free Allegra (Brand), I realized, carried the very real risk of being alone. Permanently, BUY Allegra (Brand) ONLINE NO PRESCRIPTION. As long-vanished as my fertility. 400mg, 450mg, Now, I was okay with it then, and I'm okay with it now. It was a price I was willing to pay, and in any case back then me and my Ex-Significant Other of Variable and Often Fabulous Gender were still an item, online buy Allegra (Brand) without a prescription, still going strong. So I'd beaten the odds, right. BUY Allegra (Brand) ONLINE NO PRESCRIPTION, Had cake, ate it too, went back for more cake. Jacksonville, Florida, Columbus, Ohio, But there wasn't any more cake, it seems. Me and SOOVAOFG broke up (it was a long-distance relationship in any case), and I was back where I started, although with several problems in my life fixed, order Allegra (Brand) online overnight delivery no prescription. All well and good.

Except...

Except.., BUY Allegra (Brand) ONLINE NO PRESCRIPTION.

Except, Buy Allegra (Brand) without a prescription, sometimes, you meet people. People you like, and people you're even attracted to. People you wouldn't mind knowing, buy Allegra (Brand) from canada, as the kids today don't say anymore, a little better, if that's how it was going to work out. Allegra (Brand) 5mg, Not like major lust or even burning infatuation; just finding somebody that you think there might be a spark of something, a little glimmer of possibility. BUY Allegra (Brand) ONLINE NO PRESCRIPTION, And when that happens, then the long hours alone are harder to distract yourself through, and you don't feel like staying home, but you don't feel like going out either, because you're too depressed to be with other people, even if that was what you needed to do, really. But it's just too hard.

Four in the morning
Crapped out, yawning
Longing my life away
I'll never worry
Why should I, online buying Allegra (Brand).
It's all gonna fade

It's hard because, once again, you can't run from who you were, Buy Allegra (Brand) from mexico, not really, not forever. Oh sure, you go around and live your life as if it never was any different. And you don't make a big deal of things, BUY Allegra (Brand) ONLINE NO PRESCRIPTION. You, Boston, Massachusetts. Charlotte, Carolina, don't, really, even when you are a blogger known pretty much for only this one topic. Buy Allegra (Brand) online no prescription, But then, like I said, you meet somebody. And now what to do. Do you talk about who you were, El Paso, Texas. Washington, D.C. Seattle, Washington, the you that you never wanted to be. BUY Allegra (Brand) ONLINE NO PRESCRIPTION, Do you just go on as if that you never was, like you wanted.

There are people who can handle things that way, because to them, Allegra (Brand) 625mg,650mg, it's true. I don't mean that in the sense of "to them, the sky is green"; I really mean that there's no prevarication because they never felt themselves to be what other people said they were.

I envy those folks, sometimes, buy Allegra (Brand) without prescription. Maybe a lot.

Because for me, it's harder, because I was always a bit of a borderline case, because I had a reasonably long and fairly successful life before transition, because I've hardly cut any ties with my old life, and because, damnit, it took me over three decades to finally be honest with myself about being a woman and it's hard for me to to just automatically assume that habit, BUY Allegra (Brand) ONLINE NO PRESCRIPTION. Oh, sure, Reasons to buy Allegra (Brand) online, I'll defend trans women as women until my face Doppler shifts from blue to red; and I believe it about myself with a firm conviction.

But. But it's hard for me to also not include the "trans" part in there.

That's a weakness, maybe, order Allegra (Brand) from mexican pharmacy. BUY Allegra (Brand) ONLINE NO PRESCRIPTION, A flaw. The more-trans-than-thou crowd will pin it on me being a poseur, a "late transitioner", a cross-dresser, Allegra (Brand) 150mg, a man in a dress. Whatever.

But it's hard, I guess, for me--just me, Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. Las Vegas, Nevada, mind you; I'm making no claims on anyone else--to be open and honest enough to pursue a relationship with somebody and hold...that...fact...back.

Now I sit by my window
And I watch the cars
I fear I'll do some damage
One fine day
But I would not be convicted
By a jury of my peers
Still crazy after all these years

So what do you do, when you've met somebody you like, Buy cheap Allegra (Brand) no rx, maybe even have a crush on, when the way their eyes light up when they smile can make you smile just remembering it, and yet you think that maybe knowing about who you were would be the deal-breaker, that you'd be friends, of course, order Allegra (Brand) no prescription, but that's all. Especially what do you do on the weekend where your Dilation Drama Theater screening was an episode of "Law and Order: Special Dead Lady Unit" about Teh Tranz, about a girl who hadn't told her boyfriend, because she was afraid of losing him, BUY Allegra (Brand) ONLINE NO PRESCRIPTION. And he was filled with rage and more-or-less killed himself. And the character in question had been beaten repeatedly and ends up gang-raped in prison at the end. San Diego, California. Dallas, Texas. San Antonio, Texas, Besides cry in the shower for a while, that is.

I don't know. BUY Allegra (Brand) ONLINE NO PRESCRIPTION, I haven't figured it out. Especially after they, the subject of your little crush, purchase Allegra (Brand) online, has already been fairly open with you, has made their own revelations and was worried on their end about losing you. Me. Buy Allegra (Brand) online cod, Your mixed-up correspondent.

I mean, "Gift of the Magi" anyone. To tell, or not to tell, BUY Allegra (Brand) ONLINE NO PRESCRIPTION. Either way risks losing, either now or later, buy Allegra (Brand) online no prescription. No good choices here.

How can it be, that when you're finally fixing your life, Allegra (Brand) in cats, dogs, children, really emerging as the person you wanted to be, the person who could finally really give, that you realize that maybe nobody will ever want to get.

I don't know. BUY Allegra (Brand) ONLINE NO PRESCRIPTION, I wish I could tell you. I wish I had my normal moral authority, where can i buy cheapest Allegra (Brand) online, ducks, and could fill you with some wrath and rage and well-turned oratory. I wish I could do it for you, so you could do it for me.

It's just that even when you're a past master at the art of loneliness, sometimes the long years before you weigh a lot more than they usually do, and the realization that there's a very good chance you won't be with anyone becomes a steeper price than you thought.

Oh, still crazy
Still crazy
Still crazy after all these years.

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8 June 2010

Comments (1)

Have I mentioned that I'll be doing a regular Tuesday column at Tiger Beatdown BUY Galvus ONLINE NO PRESCRIPTION, .

Have you noticed today is Tuesday, Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. Las Vegas, Nevada. Rx free Galvus, Have you noticed...I have a post on Tiger Beatdown.

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Voice is more than just style, where can i find Galvus online. Where can i buy cheapest Galvus online, It’s not that hard to imitate a style, as anyone who has read my Raymond Chandler–J, Nashville-Davidson, Tennessee. Portland, Oregon. Buy no prescription Galvus online, R. BUY Galvus ONLINE NO PRESCRIPTION, R. Tolkien crossover will have seen, Galvus price. Chicago, Illinois. Houston, Texas, Even the really out-there stylists can be imitated–you could, for example, comprar en línea Galvus, comprar Galvus baratos, Where can i buy Galvus online, mix a World War II engineering text with random pages of Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas to come up with a fairly good imitation of Pynchon’s Gravity’s Rainbow. You would not, buy Galvus online cod, Buy Galvus online no prescription, however, have Pynchon’s voice, Galvus 100mg, Galvus withdrawal, the thing that can make a forty page digression on an obscure meteorological phenomenon in Central Asia seem gripping, goofy, purchase Galvus online no prescription, 0.4mg, 0.5mg, 1mg, 2.5mg, and lord help us even a bit profound. (If you like that sort of thing; I do, Galvus 1000mg, 2000mg, Australia, uk, us, usa, or at least I know I did once.)

Voice is a lot of things: but if I had to define it for myself, it means using all your quirks, købe Galvus online, αγοράζουν online Galvus, Reasons to buy Galvus online, knowledge, style, Galvus for sale, Canada, mexico, india, tics, vocabulary, purchase Galvus online, Buy cheap Galvus, word choice, hell, köpa Galvus online, Osta Galvus online, Jotta Galvus verkossa, Galvus pharmacy, even your spell check and thesaurus, to create an effect that not only communicates what you want to say, El Paso, Texas. Washington, D.C. Seattle, Washington, but does it in a way that is uniquely you. Maybe once we’d have called it wit, but this is America and the twenty-first century, and we don’t have time for anything that can’t be barked out at a personal improvement seminar.

On a number of levels, I’ve had to learn a lot about voice.

On y va, mes cheries!.

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20 May 2010

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BUY Rhinocort ONLINE NO PRESCRIPTION, So, hi, ducks.

I've been away a bit. Not completely away, 0.4mg, 0.5mg, 1mg, 2.5mg, I've written a thing or two here and there. But I haven't written much of late.

I have an excuse, for what it's worth, Austin, Texas, Memphis, Tennessee.

The excuse is that I was depressed to the point of...well, of taking rather irrevocable action to solve my depression, BUY Rhinocort ONLINE NO PRESCRIPTION.

Now, that would be kind of hasty, Order Rhinocort from mexican pharmacy, I think. But I was down so far that I couldn't really see up anymore.

The thing is, I got laid off at the end of March, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. Phoenix, Arizona. The job sucked, so I didn't miss it, Farmacia Rhinocort baratos, Rhinocort online kaufen, but I sure as heck missed the money. BUY Rhinocort ONLINE NO PRESCRIPTION, Because coupled with my previous client's habit of not paying my invoices until I screamed and turned blue, and then being out of work for two months, my savings were pretty thin. And I'd been using my paychecks from the last gig to reduce some of my debt, so that I could live cheaper than I do, in case this kind of thing happened again, Rhinocort 5mg. Which is a great plan, but it blew up in my face when I got laid off after only ten weeks. Rhinocort 250mg, I don't have to tell you it's hard out there. It's hard, even if your day job is a fairly skilled position, and in one of the few segments of the economy that's making a come back, El Paso, Texas. Washington, D.C. Seattle, Washington. Even so, it's hard out there, BUY Rhinocort ONLINE NO PRESCRIPTION. I would send out resumes and work the phones but only a trickle would come back. I had one or two interviews but no second interviews. Acheter en ligne Rhinocort, acheter Rhinocort bon marché, At some point I realized that I was between six and ten weeks from being bankrupt, and losing everything I've spent the last fifteen years building.

I have to stop myself there. BUY Rhinocort ONLINE NO PRESCRIPTION, What I am complaining about is still incredibly privileged. I'd lose my home, Rhinocort 100mg, but I wouldn't be homeless--my family can easily put me up, and a friend of mine would do the same. Buy Rhinocort no prescription, That's one thing.

Another is...that I'm complaining about the fact that I just wouldn't be able to live in my expensive (now--it wasn't when I moved in) neighborhood in Manhattan. I mean, boo fucking hoo, 400mg, 450mg, yeah. That would only be something I'd share with all but 1.8 million people in the world, BUY Rhinocort ONLINE NO PRESCRIPTION. This is not a tragedy. Order Rhinocort no prescription, But all the same, it felt like one. This apartment has been my home for over eight years; it's where I lived with someone for the first time, where I got my first pets as an adult, San Diego, California. Dallas, Texas. San Antonio, Texas, the place where I'd come home to a person I loved, the place where I decided to transition and the place where I made that happen. Japan, craiglist, ebay, hcl, And the neighborhood feels the same to me; I've lived within three blocks of this apartment for the last fifteen years. BUY Rhinocort ONLINE NO PRESCRIPTION, And too this is the only place I've ever wanted to live, and I've sacrificed (some) to get here.

And also...it was shocking how quickly it could all get swept away. Three months could do it. That seemed shocking, Rhinocort 150mg.

There was other stuff too. Between the fall and the last two months, this is the longest I've been out of work as an adult, BUY Rhinocort ONLINE NO PRESCRIPTION. I've had a job of some kind since I was seventeen. Rhinocort snort, alcohol iteraction, I've always found a way to get some work in the door.

So all that, plus our threadbare economy, had me down, köpa Rhinocort online, Osta Rhinocort online, Jotta Rhinocort verkossa. But there was some other stuff. BUY Rhinocort ONLINE NO PRESCRIPTION, And I think I need to talk about this, because it is a feminist issue, because it is something I can comment on maybe more than other people.

That was the two strikes (at least) I had against me: that I was a woman trying to get a job in technology, Buy cheap Rhinocort no rx, and that I was a trans woman trying to get a job in technology.

All that stuff you may have heard about how much harder it is for women just to look professional is true. A stupid example: getting an interview would cost me at least ten bucks, because I'd go and get my nails done, Rhinocort 125mg, because I can't put a sheer color on myself and have it look good, and because where I was looking for work, Detroit, Michigan, San Jose, California, women at my professional level don't wear colored nail polish.

Okay, that's a privilege thing, and maybe just my own prejudices, Nashville-Davidson, Tennessee. Portland, Oregon. But when you have big hands (and you worry about what people might conclude about that), you do your best to not draw attention to them either from lack of care or for flamboyance, BUY Rhinocort ONLINE NO PRESCRIPTION.

Anyway. I had other stupid image issues. Online buy Rhinocort without a prescription, I haven't been able to afford a decent hair cut in a while now--and a bad haircut would be held against me far more than it would a man--so I had to either try to blow it out and go long, or pin it up and hope I didn't look too masculine. I'll talk more about that in a bit, but: this is an issue for every professional woman, Rhinocort for sale, and it's one of the cruelest of the catch-22s of patriarchy. BUY Rhinocort ONLINE NO PRESCRIPTION, To wit: professionalism is defined by men's dress codes. So they tend to make women look more masculine. Jacksonville, Florida, Columbus, Ohio, But you can't look too masculine. But you don't want to look too feminine either. It's the same dynamic as the pointless manicures: don't get your nails done, and you look too butch and like you can't be bothered to be professional, Rhinocort 800mg, 875mg, 900mg. But have red nails and you might be too feminine, BUY Rhinocort ONLINE NO PRESCRIPTION. And so it goes.

These are of course my prejudices. Rhinocort 500mg, People can and do make either end of the spectrum work. But it's a much tougher, much more individual struggle than it is for most men. That BUY Rhinocort ONLINE NO PRESCRIPTION, you're getting straight from the horse.

Of course the other part of butch vs femme, Indianapolis, Indiana, San Francisco, California, masculine vs feminine for me was worrying about being read as trans. If my hair is up, Rhinocort 1000mg, 2000mg, I don't have to worry about it looking too bad, but will it make my face look too masculine. My pumps are my most neutral dress shoes, but do they make me too tall, buy Rhinocort without prescription. Will my voice hold up for an entire interview. Will they know, BUY Rhinocort ONLINE NO PRESCRIPTION. Will they care. Purchase Rhinocort online no prescription, It doesn't really matter that I live in a place where there are workplace protections for trans people. I'd never be able to prove anything.

I'm not really making that up, not that you would think I am, where can i order Rhinocort without prescription. There was this study BUY Rhinocort ONLINE NO PRESCRIPTION, by Make the Road New York which is pretty depressing in just how blatant the discrimination is. And yeah, I know, Rhinocort price, it was retail, right CL. I mean customers public face corporate image. Surely it's different in other jobs, australia, uk, us, usa.

Surely you jest. You think if people aren't comfortable buying jeans from a trans lady that having one be your CTO is going to make people more comfortable, BUY Rhinocort ONLINE NO PRESCRIPTION.

Or to put it more simply: everywhere I went I hoped they didn't make me fill out a formal job application. Comprar en línea Rhinocort, comprar Rhinocort baratos, Because then I'd have to give my social security number and Ghu knows what they'd be able to find out; sure, I fixed that and my driver's license, but even with letters to my credit bureaus, that stuff just lasts forever.

This story has a happy ending. I finally found a small place where I was able to meet with the guys doing the hiring right away and I hit it off with them. BUY Rhinocort ONLINE NO PRESCRIPTION, And two days later they offered me a job that will pay my bills and even get me out of debt. Which again makes me one privileged cat, one lucky ducky: and I'm very thankful.

But for a long time there I was really scared. And you want to know what one of my signs that I've transitioned is. I no longer am confident I'll always pull things out anymore, not like I used to be. And that's part of the reality of being a woman and being trans in the world today, BUY Rhinocort ONLINE NO PRESCRIPTION.

So hey: where have I been in the meantime. Well, Below the Belt is on hiatus, but I'm now a blogger at Change.org. You can read the two pieces I have up so far--about a trans woman and the crappy treatment the DC police gave her, and more about our favorite douchebags, Roman Polanski and Bernard Henri-Lévi.

And over on Tiger Beatdown, where I am somehow now the Senior (non)Contributor, I have this trifle about "The Tudors." Enjoy.

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1 March 2010

Comments (9)

BUY Gestanin ONLINE NO PRESCRIPTION, Today is the anniversary of my surgery. In fact, as I type this now, 400mg, 450mg, I am about a year removed from my first full day of having a vagina--Thailand being twelve hours ahead of my local time, Gestanin 5mg, and the six or more hours of my surgery having started at noon Bangkok time. (I don't remember how long the surgery lasted, as I slept through it and for a long time afterwards, Austin, Texas, Memphis, Tennessee, only waking up for a brief moment to say goodnight to my significant other of variable and often fabulous gender.)

In fact, Online buying Gestanin, there's almost a week of time that I have very little recollection of--the five days I had to stay immobile in bed, according to my surgeon's regimen. Not everyone does this; had I gone to the Canadian surgeon I first considered, Gestanin in cats, dogs, children, I'd have been up and walking around after about a day or so. Acheter en ligne Gestanin, acheter Gestanin bon marché, Everybody does things differently. But I'm somewhat glad for being immobile; during that five days I only moved once, and that was because I'd thrown up on myself the first day after my surgery--juice boxes and opiates don't agree all that well, BUY Gestanin ONLINE NO PRESCRIPTION. The only way to get me clean sheets was to move me to an entirely new bed. Which meant I had to crab walk over to it, Boston, Massachusetts. Charlotte, Carolina. Now, Fort Worth, Texas. Denver, Colorado, even under normal circumstances, that would be both uncomfortable and ungraceful; but I had to not only contend with the pain from my brand-new down there, with the attendant catheter and surgical drains, Indianapolis, Indiana, San Francisco, California, but since I'd also opted to have my boobs done at the same time, Gestanin 250mg, I could barely move my arms; the surgeon went in under my armpits, and to be honest that pain was more omnipresent and inconveniencing than the other.

But other than that, and my SOOVAOFG saying goodbye to me to fly home--we'd spent ten days together bumping around India and Cambodia prior to my surgery, Gestanin over the counter, and vacation time is precious nowadays--I really don't remember much. Buy Gestanin no prescription, I slept a lot; I was too out of it to even watch TV. BUY Gestanin ONLINE NO PRESCRIPTION, Every so often, they'd bring me a thick creamy soup and some juice boxes to eat and drink. I rarely ate the soup, but I drank the juice, Gestanin withdrawal. (As an aside, Gestanin coupon, Thai sweets of all kinds tend to be sweeter than American sweets--probably because they use real sugar.) I've come to realize that it wasn't so much that I was drugged out of my head--Thais don't practice American pain management, and I didn't even have a morphine drip--but because nothing changed. There was me; my bed; my room with the blinds drawn; and the occasional ministrations of kind Thai nurses who spoke little English, comprar en línea Gestanin, comprar Gestanin baratos. (My Thai was suspect at its best and no match for my pain and grogginess.)

But eventually they packed me up and sent me home, Gestanin 1000mg, 2000mg, after giving me a huge, cumbersome, old-fashioned bra, where can i buy cheapest Gestanin online. It was trimmed with lace and looked like something from the "18-hour bra" commercials I'd seen as a kid, BUY Gestanin ONLINE NO PRESCRIPTION. And then I was dumped back in my hotel room, Gestanin price, just me and my catheter bag--they didn't take the catheter out until the next day, which was a little scary and gross. On the other hand, buy Gestanin online cod, it was pretty convenient for lying in bed and drinking stuff, 0.4mg, 0.5mg, 1mg, 2.5mg, which was about all I was up for.

But it's surprising how quickly you can heal. I was moving around the hotel room that, night, buy Gestanin from canada, had enough energy to make breakfast the next day, Buy cheap Gestanin, and even hosted a pizza party for some of the other patients of my surgeon a day or so after that. (We had a couple of these affairs. BUY Gestanin ONLINE NO PRESCRIPTION, They were interesting; we'd have a great time for about an hour, and then everyone would be in too much pain to continue. But they were fun while they lasted.)

That was all a year ago.

Things have changed, Gestanin 500mg. For one thing, Order Gestanin from mexican pharmacy, I now only have to dilate once a day for about 30 minutes. That will mean I can actually get up at the same time but still get to work earlier, which will help me have more time and energy to write in the evening, Gestanin from canadian pharmacy. I've had sex, Order Gestanin no prescription, by which I mean--this being America and all--PIV sex, so now I know how much I've been missing. My recovery has been remarkably hassle free, even with the UTI I developed a month after getting home.

There's more, of course, much more, BUY Gestanin ONLINE NO PRESCRIPTION. But how can I put it all in words, reasons to buy Gestanin online. There are days when I forget that I never had a vagina, Buy cheap Gestanin no rx, and there are days when I forget for a second that I do. There are many days when I am astonished by the miracle of it all, and many more days when I simply take it for granted, köpa Gestanin online, Osta Gestanin online, Jotta Gestanin verkossa. And most of all, New York. Los Angeles, California, I feel like what I am supposed to be. I feel like a woman.

BUY Gestanin ONLINE NO PRESCRIPTION, And I felt that way before. I am not going to play pussy politics with you and engage in zero-sum games about the proper anatomy a woman needs. It's reductive, buy Gestanin without prescription, and cruel, San Diego, California. Dallas, Texas. San Antonio, Texas, and ignores the economic reality of far too many trans women.

But there's no question that I like myself better this way, that I feel a peace with my body I never felt before. That I had to wound myself to heal.

Not that I'm completely healed, Gestanin 200mg. None of us, El Paso, Texas. Washington, D.C. Seattle, Washington, I suppose, ever really can be--and I'm not just talking about trans people. If we measure lives by ideals, then we're all a little broken, all in need of some kind of healing, BUY Gestanin ONLINE NO PRESCRIPTION. And I've come so very far.

But there are still times when I resent that passage; when I resent all the things that were taken from me, canada, mexico, india, all the things that I never had--even the bad things, even the things that in a sense I was fortunate enough to miss: if I feel the omnipresent judgment of every damn TV commercial on how I should look, act, think, and feel simply because of my gender, can I really long to have had that drummed into my head from the moment it poked into our world. Do I really feel sorry for myself for not having spent three and a half decades as a victim of sexism?

No. Not really. But I do regret the necessity of it all, the long slow struggle to find out who I am, the summoning up of awful reserves of energy just to survive each day, and then the ultimate effort to make myself into the person I desperately needed to be. And so I regret BUY Gestanin ONLINE NO PRESCRIPTION, that passage; but I am grateful, oh so very grateful, to have survived it.

And you could say, maybe, that my vagina is a symbol of that: a physical manifestation of not just my womanhood, but my struggle to achieve that womanhood, a signpost showing how far I've come and how much I had to undergo to reach it. I suppose that would be fine; I'd hardly be the first woman to eulogize my vagina, and I doubt I'll be the last, cis or trans.

But I don't really do that much. Because most of the time it's just a vagina. And believe me, that is more than enough. In fact, it's perfect.

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21 December 2009

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BUY Ketoconazole ONLINE NO PRESCRIPTION, Hola, ducks. Ketoconazole for sale, Did you know that I'm currently between positions. Yes, Nashville-Davidson, Tennessee. Portland, Oregon, Buy Ketoconazole from mexico, tis true that I work as a consultant when not writing pithy internet ramblings. But while I was out in California, buy Ketoconazole no prescription, Buy Ketoconazole without a prescription, I lost my main client in a move of wonderful class upon their part. Wev, australia, uk, us, usa. Anyway, did you know we are in a recession, despite what the economic gurus tell us, BUY Ketoconazole ONLINE NO PRESCRIPTION. Comprar en línea Ketoconazole, comprar Ketoconazole baratos, I sure do--I'm reminded of it daily as I watch my bank balances dwindle. And also, 0.4mg, 0.5mg, 1mg, 2.5mg, Order Ketoconazole online c.o.d, have I mentioned that I seem to be getting depression for Christmas. And now you are too, Ketoconazole 75mg, Ketoconazole coupon, if you've read this far?

This is all preamble.

So, okay, acheter en ligne Ketoconazole, acheter Ketoconazole bon marché. San Diego, California. Dallas, Texas. San Antonio, Texas, I had an interview on Friday. BUY Ketoconazole ONLINE NO PRESCRIPTION, Which didn't go so well...but I'm getting ahead of myself. Let's start again.

So I had an interview on Friday, where can i order Ketoconazole without prescription. Buy generic Ketoconazole, It was my third interview with these people, but the first one that would be face-to-face; I had survived two phone interviews prior to this, Ketoconazole 5mg, Order Ketoconazole online overnight delivery no prescription, and passed the little "mess around with this database" test they'd sent me with flying colors.

That in itself is an accomplishment of sorts--not the application thing, I do that for a living after all; the phone interview bit, Detroit, Michigan, San Jose, California. Order Ketoconazole from mexican pharmacy, Now, you may not know this, Ketoconazole 250mg, Where can i find Ketoconazole online, but there's only one kind of transsexual whose voice is helped by transitioning, and I am not that kind of a transsexual, reasons to buy Ketoconazole online. Fort Worth, Texas. Denver, Colorado, Or to put it more bluntly, estrogen doesn't do anything to your voice, New York. Los Angeles, California. (Testosterone will, so FTMs get a break there, but--as I well know--the effects are permanent.)

So back when I was transitioning--actually, just before I was sure I was going to transition--I began to work with an actress who gave voice lessons on finding a less obviously masculine way for me to talk, BUY Ketoconazole ONLINE NO PRESCRIPTION. Online buying Ketoconazole, Not that I have anything against deep voices in women. Just, Ketoconazole 100mg, Jacksonville, Florida, Columbus, Ohio, um, it was a way to make sure I would get outed, Ketoconazole 625mg,650mg. Ketoconazole pharmacy, I didn't have a James Earl Jones bass or anything, but my voice pretty clearly marked me as trans.

The best part of the experience was that I was her first trans client, Baltimore, Maryland. Milwaukee, Wisconsin, Ketoconazole 200mg, so we sort of assembled our own course in how to do this out of things on the internet, a DVD I had, Chicago, Illinois. Houston, Texas, Ketoconazole in cats, dogs, children, and whatever seemed to work for us. After a while, Ketoconazole price, Indianapolis, Indiana, San Francisco, California, we just spent half the class talking to each other, which was a great way to get comfortable using my new voice.

Thus, passing two phone interviews was not a small accomplishment.

Anyway. BUY Ketoconazole ONLINE NO PRESCRIPTION, The face to face interview, which was not only face to face but a state away. And potentially guarded my economic future. After being so confident on the phone interviews, I suddenly found myself...inadequate. Because:

--I needed a new suit, since I'd gained some weight.

--Jeez, skirt or slacks. What was more appropriate.

--It turns out I needed a new suit that was two sizes larger than I normally wear, because I've gained so much weight, BUY Ketoconazole ONLINE NO PRESCRIPTION. Sigh.

--I began to worry: would I come on too aggressive?

--I began to worry: would I not be aggressive enough?

--Or too feminine?

--Or not feminine enough?

--Or for that matter, would they immediately think I was trans?

--Or pull a credit bureau on me and know I was trans (I've been lazy about getting every account I own fixed.)

--Even if they hired me, would they hit me with the "female discount"?

--Do they want a woman in their IT department?

--Was I just the "diversity interview"?

Now, ducks, I know a lot of my female readers are somewhere between bemusement and rage at going over that list. I know it sounds whiny. It is whiny. But let me just say: I knew all this stuff going in, and I decided to transition anyway. BUY Ketoconazole ONLINE NO PRESCRIPTION, I don't have any regrets about that, and I'm not saying I should have any special treatment.

But. This was the first time a lot of these things hit home for me all at once. And it was definitely a different experience for me to think of this stuff before an interview. (Also, I should note that I hadn't been on a serious interview in over six years--advantage to consulting--so there was that factor as well.) And the inadequacy I felt...was pretty massive. There was so much to be afraid of, so many traps I felt like I could blunder into just based on how I looked.

And you, my beloved female ducks, are more than welcome to chorus "Duh!" in my general direction right now. And I deserve it.

Anyway, as far as all that stuff went, I think things went fine--I looked professional, I don't think anyone read me, and I think I struck the right amount of aggression/femininity/whatever, BUY Ketoconazole ONLINE NO PRESCRIPTION. It was the tech questions I whiffed on that probably sunk me. So there you have it.

But at least it was beautiful out in the snow today--the sky a hazy pastel blue at sunset, the air clear and all edges sharp-edged, the snow that light twilit blue you get at sunset. That helps. Even if it won't pay the rent.

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27 September 2009

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BUY Zithromax ONLINE NO PRESCRIPTION, Bon jour, mes canards. Paris may be a fading memory, Baltimore, Maryland. Milwaukee, Wisconsin, Zithromax 50mg, but I will try and catch you up on the last few days of the Cahiers Parisiens.

Maybe it didn't come through, but I didn't talk much with people while I was in Paris, buy no prescription Zithromax online. Zithromax withdrawal, This is not that unusual. I work either from home or at a desk marooned at the other end of the floor from everyone else; I don't often go out to bars either home or in Europe; and in general, buy Zithromax without prescription, San Diego, California. Dallas, Texas. San Antonio, Texas, I am a misanthropic sour puss. This helps out in the writing game, Zithromax snort, alcohol iteraction, 0.4mg, 0.5mg, 1mg, 2.5mg, but isn't so much use in other places.

But...well, the last few days in Paris I actually had some interactions with people.

The first couple happened on Sunday last, order Zithromax from mexican pharmacy. I went up to the Canal St, BUY Zithromax ONLINE NO PRESCRIPTION. Zithromax pharmacy, Martin, which is a hip spot to hang out nowadays, Zithromax over the counter. Buy cheap Zithromax, The canal is indeed quite lovely, and they close off motor traffic along it on the weekends, purchase Zithromax online. Order Zithromax online overnight delivery no prescription, I stopped at a little cafe (amusingly, when I asked for the menu, buy Zithromax online no prescription, El Paso, Texas. Washington, D.C. Seattle, Washington, the waitress brought an enormous blackboard with the specials written on it out to my table.) While I roasted in the sun I wrote the first draft of my long screed below. (I had what amounted to a mess of egg over good country ham with some sort of vinegar sauce--it was fabulous.)

After brunch I walked over towards Buttes Chaumont park, buy Zithromax no prescription, Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. Las Vegas, Nevada, one of the gems of non-tourist Paris, a magnificent landscape of hills, where can i buy Zithromax online, Købe Zithromax online, αγοράζουν online Zithromax, crags, and a lovely lake, rx free Zithromax. Here's a picture of the grotto in the center of the park: BUY Zithromax ONLINE NO PRESCRIPTION, However, on the way over to the park, I had my first experience with...Latin lovers.

I was crossing the street when a young Tunisian guy (as he told me) came up to me to tell me how pretty I was. Order Zithromax online c.o.d, Which was nice of him, but I kept walking, Zithromax 200mg. Chicago, Illinois. Houston, Texas, He followed me, and we struck up a bit of a conversation in French, where can i order Zithromax without prescription. Order Zithromax no prescription, Admittedly, I was a bit lonely, Jacksonville, Florida, Columbus, Ohio, Boston, Massachusetts. Charlotte, Carolina, which let me fall into the trap of talking with this guy, something I wouldn't have done in English, Zithromax 1000mg, 2000mg. Japan, craiglist, ebay, hcl, And of course, he got a bit grabby as the conversation progressed, Nashville-Davidson, Tennessee. Portland, Oregon. I did finally manage to extricate myself (after a bunch of "arretes" and "ma relationship est grave!") but it left me slightly shaken, BUY Zithromax ONLINE NO PRESCRIPTION. Zithromax from canadian pharmacy, And of course this all flows into my background as a trans woman: should I be worried because I don't have the experience that would have helped me learn the skills to deflect guys like this, or relieved because I haven't spent my whole life deflecting guys like this?

Later that day, Zithromax samples, Zithromax 800mg, 875mg, 900mg, as I was walking home (baguette in hand, of course), online buying Zithromax, another guy came up to me and began to talk rapidly in French to me. I couldn't really follow him, but it wasn't hard to figure out what he was after. I let him down firmly but gently: "S'il vous plait lassez-moi suele." (Please leave me alone.)

And oh. On Monday, I went to pay my respects at the Louvre (you have to see the Mona Lisa while you're in Paris...you just do.) And as I was walking to the Metro, another guy wanted to "make my acquaintance." This time I just said I didn't speak French.

But the best story has to be when I was walking home from the Louvre on Monday. BUY Zithromax ONLINE NO PRESCRIPTION, I passed a store I had previously seen, and just had to snap a pic, because...well, because the sign is a rather weak joke:

The name of the store is Les Bonnes Compines which in French means something approximately like "The Good Girlfriends." Fair enough...but it's written with out the space between Les and Bonnes, making it look a bit like...something else in English.

As I said, a weak joke. I'm not proud

Like most of the stores in that region of Paris, it's a wholesaler--I had basically landed in the Parisian garment district, with "Ne vente pas au detail" (wholesale only) in almost every window. And for some reason, when I took the pic, a woman in a telephone booth (yes, they still have them there) started to scream at me.

I couldn't follow everything she said, but it was mostly about how I shouldn't take a pic. I tried to explain, but only got as far as Parce que...("because...") before she started to scream again. She even spit on the ground. Eventually I just walked away...I guess she thought I was some sort of corporate spy or something.

Shows what you get for acting like a tourist; I should know better.

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11 September 2009

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BUY Mevacor ONLINE NO PRESCRIPTION, Bon jour, mes canards. I'm spending the next two weeks here in Paris, 0.4mg, 0.5mg, 1mg, 2.5mg, Buy Mevacor online cod, doing the apartment exchange thing (there's some value to living in the Great American Metropolis--people want your place!) I hope to report on le feminisme and transness here in France, and also make some of you green with envy.

More later--I splurged on a traditional dinner (vegetable soup, Mevacor coupon, Mevacor 150mg, confit de canard, crème caramel and 50 bloody cl of wine) and need to sleep it off, Mevacor pharmacy. Order Mevacor no prescription. Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. Las Vegas, Nevada. Where can i buy Mevacor online. Reasons to buy Mevacor online. Mevacor 5mg. Mevacor from canadian pharmacy. Online buying Mevacor. Where can i order Mevacor without prescription. Mevacor 100mg. Mevacor 50mg. Buy Mevacor without prescription. Farmacia Mevacor baratos, Mevacor online kaufen. Buy Mevacor from mexico. Mevacor 1000mg, 2000mg. Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. Phoenix, Arizona. Mevacor 800mg, 875mg, 900mg. Where can i find Mevacor online. Where can i buy cheapest Mevacor online. Buy Mevacor no prescription. Comprar en línea Mevacor, comprar Mevacor baratos. Mevacor 200mg. 400mg, 450mg. Detroit, Michigan, San Jose, California. Mevacor in cats, dogs, children. Acheter en ligne Mevacor, acheter Mevacor bon marché. Buy generic Mevacor. New York. Los Angeles, California. Boston, Massachusetts. Charlotte, Carolina. Mevacor for sale. Order Mevacor online c.o.d.

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9 September 2009

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How can you tell you've transitioned?

...because shopping for clothes becomes a tedious chore rather than a fun excursion.

BUY Vitamin B Complex tab. ONLINE NO PRESCRIPTION, OK. Not fair, Vitamin B Complex tab. withdrawal, Where can i buy cheapest Vitamin B Complex tab. online, I get that--I know plenty of women of all stripes and origins who enjoy clothes shopping, including me, köpa Vitamin B Complex tab. online, Osta Vitamin B Complex tab. online, Jotta Vitamin B Complex tab. verkossa, Vitamin B Complex tab. samples, on occasion. But still...as compared to the times when I constructed myself as a crossdresser, Vitamin B Complex tab. 100mg, Japan, craiglist, ebay, hcl, shopping for clothes doesn't have the same kick.

On the face of it, this seems strange, Vitamin B Complex tab. 125mg. Vitamin B Complex tab. 150mg, I mean, I no longer have to use the exasperating and even sometime ridiculous accoutrements to round out my figure, El Paso, Texas. Washington, D.C. Seattle, Washington, Vitamin B Complex tab. 1000mg, 2000mg, give me the appearance of having breasts, add to my hips so that my skirts wouldn't fall down, order Vitamin B Complex tab. no prescription. Buy Vitamin B Complex tab. no prescription, I've got a body that actually fits the mold women's clothing is intended for...and that is a relief and a pleasure, often.

On the other hand, buy generic Vitamin B Complex tab., Detroit, Michigan, San Jose, California, maybe my body's part of the issue--I've gained about 25 pounds in the last six months, and while that's not an earth-shattering, købe Vitamin B Complex tab. online, αγοράζουν online Vitamin B Complex tab., Where can i order Vitamin B Complex tab. without prescription, cry myself to sleep issue, I am a little unhappy about how I look in my clothes lately.

Which got hammered home yesterday when I went out to buy some clothes for the first time in months (business has been slow and I haven't had the cash to spend on clothes--though maybe I'd kill both my issues there if I stopped ordering out all the time.) But I'm travelling tomorrow and wanted to have some new clothes for the trip, Nashville-Davidson, Tennessee. Portland, Oregon, San Diego, California. Dallas, Texas. San Antonio, Texas, especially some casual dresses, which would be light to pack, Vitamin B Complex tab. in cats, dogs, children. I didn't find any that I liked, although I did get some new jeans that will actually fit.

I hate shopping for jeans, BUY Vitamin B Complex tab. ONLINE NO PRESCRIPTION. Farmacia Vitamin B Complex tab. baratos, Vitamin B Complex tab. online kaufen, There are times I just can't even work up the energy to go try them on, even though I think I look good in a lot of different styles of jeans, New York. Los Angeles, California. Boston, Massachusetts. Charlotte, Carolina, But I just hate doing it.

Maybe that's another sign I've transitioned.

My relationship with my clothing has always been...interesting. I'm not like a lot of trans women--I don't deny having had a long period of time identifying as a crossdresser; I think I was a crossdresser, online buying Vitamin B Complex tab., Vitamin B Complex tab. over the counter, albeit one with a greater interest in transitioning than I let on, even to myself, canada, mexico, india. Vitamin B Complex tab. 800mg, 875mg, 900mg, Back in those days, clothes held an allure, buy Vitamin B Complex tab. online cod, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. Phoenix, Arizona, a mystique, an air of the forbidden about them, order Vitamin B Complex tab. online overnight delivery no prescription. BUY Vitamin B Complex tab. ONLINE NO PRESCRIPTION, To crossdress was to engage all my hidden desires and frailities at once; the feeling of being at home while crossdressed was exhilerating and terrifying, and my clothes were fraught with a lot of meaning.

Which isn't to say that clothes aren't fraught with meaning for anyone--compare the different uniforms we wear every day, from bike messenger with one pants leg rolled to corporate honcho in a bespoke suit. Buy Vitamin B Complex tab. online no prescription, Clothes are shorthand for our identities, they send out messages about us--sometimes ones that we don't want to send.

For example, Fort Worth, Texas. Denver, Colorado, Online buy Vitamin B Complex tab. without a prescription, when I was in India, I bought two saris, buy Vitamin B Complex tab. without prescription. Vitamin B Complex tab. 200mg, I bought them because I loved India and the culture and the people, because I wanted to bring home a souvenir, buy cheap Vitamin B Complex tab. no rx, because I think saris are beautiful dresses. I even asked a friend of mine (not Indian) if I could wear one of them to her wedding, and she enthusiastically agreed.

All this was before my "second awakening," though. After I began to engage identity politics further, I saw that my wearing a sari just couldn't be an isolated action--that I couldn't avoid all the centuries of past interactions between Western and Indian people, and that ultimately I wouldn't be able to get past the fact that if I wore a sari, I'd be a cool multiculti chick--whereas an Indian woman who wore a sari in America would seem to be "fresh off the boat," unassimilated, perhaps ingnorant of American culture or even English. And that while some Indian people wouldn't have a problem with me wearing a sari, others would, and it wouldn't be easy to just discount their opinion simply because it was a beautiful dress and I liked it a lot.

I did end up wearing the sari, because my friend insisted, and she was the bride, BUY Vitamin B Complex tab. ONLINE NO PRESCRIPTION. I was fortunate; the only couple I met at the wedding who were from the region didn't mind at all. Still I changed out of the sari and into a dress after the ceremony. And I'm not upset that I felt I had to do it, and certainly not upset at any Indian people who might take offense at me wearing a sari. I'm upset at the four centuries of Westerners who plundered India, who exoticized it, who used and abused the people there. They're the ones who've "ruined" it for me--not their victims.

BUY Vitamin B Complex tab. ONLINE NO PRESCRIPTION, So yeah, clothes mean a lot more than just something to keep the wind out.

But you knew that already, didn't you. Any woman who has been verbally (or all too often, physically) assaulted because her neckline or hemline had crossed the invisible threshold between "prude" and "slut," who's been told she's "asking for it" because of what she's wearing, who's been told that her outfit was part of the reason she was attacked (as if women in pants and long sleeves are never raped) knows this. Hell, even I knew that back when I was a crossdresser, although sadly like many of the CDs I knew, I don't think I really fully engaged with all the implications of what that meant. (There are things that being full-time does to you.)

Wearing clothes has a context for me now that it didn't have back when I kept mostly to safe spaces--it has the context any woman has to deal with, from issues of personal safety to the whole construct of female beauty and its impossible-to-attain ideals. So yeah, some of the fun has leached out of it. And that's how I can tell I've transitioned.

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27 August 2009

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I am a child of the video game era.

BUY Imovane ONLINE NO PRESCRIPTION, Like most white, middle-class kids of my era, we owned an Atari 2600 (the real thing, not the cheesy Sears version.) And while we enjoyed the hell out of the system, we also knew...it sucked.

Plate 1: This was once considered cool!

Like I said, we lived in the golden age of video games, and arcade games--with their superior graphics and gameplay--were all around us. Things weren't helped by how poorly most arcade games were ported over to the 2600--the infamous Pac-Man port is widely credited as causing the North American video game market crash of 1983.

Plate 2: You've heard the legends, but I actually played it--and it was really that horrible.

I didn't care that much for video games.

You probably think that it was because I was some high-falutin' intellectual, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. Phoenix, Arizona, with my nose in a book all the time and too much of a nerd to be any good at sports. Buy Imovane without a prescription, But that wasn't the reason...well, it wasn't the only reason.

The reason was that I generally stank at them. I have a rather low eye-hand coordination, Imovane 1000mg, 2000mg, so most of that generation of video games were full of FAIL for me--I didn't have the reflexes to be any good at them, Buy Imovane no prescription, or rather, I just got too frustrated to actually learn how to play through my difficulties.

So I watched a lot of other people play video games--hell, I just hung out for weeks while a buddy of mine played Ultima IV, Jacksonville, Florida, Columbus, Ohio, which is about as interesting as watching people play D&D...in a language you don't speak.

Once I got to college and had a computer of my very own, Purchase Imovane online, however, I got interested in games again. There were actual genres that didn't require me to have the fast-twitch reflexes of a chihuahua who'd drunk too much coffee, Imovane 5mg, and I played those--SimCity, San Diego, California. Dallas, Texas. San Antonio, Texas, Civilization (I racked up insane hours conquering various planets), baseball games where you only had to "manage," and even less-athletic, buy Imovane from canada, more strategic games like Sid Meier's Pirates.

So when I was finally out of college, El Paso, Texas. Washington, D.C. Seattle, Washington, and got a "real" computer (well, a Packard-Bell--26% new parts!), I made sure to pick up a few games to go with it, Baltimore, Maryland. Milwaukee, Wisconsin. One was Doom, which I had played in multi-player mode and enjoyed, BUY Imovane ONLINE NO PRESCRIPTION. (I didn't get too far in that one: have I mentioned my reflexes?) The other was Wing Commander IV. And that one hooked me.

I'd heard about the Wing Commander series for years, Imovane snort, alcohol iteraction, but never owned a machine powerful enough to run them--the closest I'd come was playing on a friend's Nintendo once. But the third and fourth versions of the game were really different--they used movies to forward a plot line between missions, and you could actually make choices in how to respond during some of the movie sequences, buy no prescription Imovane online. It was like a Choose-Your-Own-Adventure Book. Imovane for sale, (Yes, I am a child of the '80s.)

It certainly didn't hurt that Mark Effin' Hamill played your character.

Plate 3: Hey, isn't that the guy from Star Wars?

While I understand while this kind of video game (usually called Full-Motion Video or FMV) didn't catch on (costs were high, purchase Imovane online no prescription, graphics got good enough to do all the stuff inside the game itself), Imovane samples, it was extraordinarily compelling for the time--they really managed to come close to the state objective of making it an interactive movie. BUY Imovane ONLINE NO PRESCRIPTION, I ploughed through WCIV in about a month, and for my birthday my girlfriend gave me a boxed set with the first three games. Which I slogged through as well, even though the first two were more standard video games--no movies, order Imovane from mexican pharmacy, but there was an overarching storyline for both. Australia, uk, us, usa, I started playing WCIII, the climax of the series...and stopped.

I was changing computers, I had a girlfriend, Imovane for sale, I was taking aikido--I had a bunch of reasons. Imovane 500mg, So I never finished the third game, never got past the third mission. And I mostly stopped playing anything resembling shoot-em-ups; I had the occasional game of Civ going on, order Imovane online c.o.d, but for the most part I didn't have any time to play videogames. I did reload Wing Commander I on my machine a few months after my wife and I separated, played it all the way through again, but didn't bother to play the next game.

And then I transitioned.

Now, obviously, video games are a huge minefield of misogynistic crap, BUY Imovane ONLINE NO PRESCRIPTION. Where can i buy cheapest Imovane online, (Just check out the ongoing saga of Fat Princess over at Shakesville.) Most games are marketed for men, often in the crudest, most sexist way possible--and then you play the game, Imovane 625mg,650mg, and it just gets worse when you see how women are depicted inside the games themselves. Buy Imovane without a prescription, Plus so many video games are filled with non-stop, wall-to-wall violence, domination, rx free Imovane, and macho posturing.

So it makes sense for me to avoid video games, 0.4mg, 0.5mg, 1mg, 2.5mg, and for the most part I've had no interest--not even in my beloved Civ. Until recently.

Because on a whim I dug out my copy of Wing Commander III, and after wrestling with Windows for a few days, kjøpe Imovane online, bestill Imovane online, have been flying missions again. Imovane 800mg, 875mg, 900mg, And loving it.

This is full of irony for me. BUY Imovane ONLINE NO PRESCRIPTION, First, aren't I the person railing on about kyriarchy and how we need a culture freed from the evils of domination. Aren't I generally opposed to violence of almost any kind. And don't I love cats, Imovane samples. Hell, Reasons to buy Imovane online, don't people call me Cat?

So why in the hell am I zipping around space blowing up evil space cats and following a plotline that ultimately ends with a shocking act of genocide?

Plate 4: I'm sure with a big enough lap to cuddle up in, he'd stop trying to DESTROY ALL HUMANS.

I have no idea. I'm sucked in, online buy Imovane without a prescription, again, Chicago, Illinois. Houston, Texas, by the storyline, and the gameplay remains challenging but not impossible even for a slow-fingered person like myself. There are even female characters in the game, and they're not decoration--two are highly competent fighter pilots, and one is the ship's chief mechanic, BUY Imovane ONLINE NO PRESCRIPTION. (Of course, order Imovane from mexican pharmacy, one set of choices leads you to have a relationship with one of them, Purchase Imovane online, which is a bit squicky, but on the other hand it is remarkable to have a video game that was a combat sim even mention the word love.)

I've noticed a few things different this time around. I'm not any better or worse a pilot than I used to be--I always played the game the way I thought my character really would fly, Austin, Texas, Memphis, Tennessee, so I don't try to run up my score if the mission can be finished otherwise. My adrenaline reactions are...different nowadays, though. After a long session at the game, I can get a bit twitchy, and somewhat spatially disoriented, like I keep expecting the constant motion the 3D sim provides. BUY Imovane ONLINE NO PRESCRIPTION, I don't recall that stuff happening the first time around, and I wonder how much my current endocrinology has to do with that.

Of course, playing a video game--playing a violent, combat-oriented video game--brings up all sorts of gender crap for me. (But then, getting the paper in the morning has the potential to do that.) Mostly it's societal stuff that I, of all people, should know better than to listen too--women aren't violent, women don't play video games, women should sit down and watch the damn Lifetime Movie Network and keep careful notes of the cleaning products they must buy next trip to the store. Like I said, mostly crap.

But on the other hand, I haven't talked much about this with other women I know. Maybe because I fear that the women who know about my history will view this as one more way I'm not like them--and the women who don't know about my history might get ideas.

Silly. But there you have it.

In any case, I'm close to the end, and I'll drop The Big Bomb on Kilrah and win the game pretty soon now. Maybe with more qualms than the designers might have expected their players to have--they may be evil space kitties, but that doesn't make me happy to blow up their home planet, for goodness sake. And then maybe I'll head over to Women Gamers; I'll be needing a new fix soon.

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5 August 2009

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Last night I took an aikido class for the first time in three years.

BUY Xenical ONLINE NO PRESCRIPTION, I first started doing aikido about ten years ago, during the summer when I finally started to treat my depression. 400mg, 450mg, I stayed for about two years at a very, very tough dojo, Xenical coupon, Rx free Xenical, then quit for a variety of reasons (including my desire to quit my lousy job and go freelance.) About three years ago I found another dojo in my nabe and was there for maybe seven months, before the instructor moved to California.

The points being a) I'm not a complete beginner and b) all of this took place before my transition.

These are relavant because last night, where can i find Xenical online, Boston, Massachusetts. Charlotte, Carolina, for the first time ever, I had to leave the mat while class was in session, Baltimore, Maryland. Milwaukee, Wisconsin. Xenical 125mg, Twice.

Now, there are some decent reasons for that: it was hot and muggy yesterday, order Xenical online c.o.d. Xenical snort, alcohol iteraction, I didn't eat a big lunch (my usual onsite gourmet meal of yogurt and a buttered roll, with a peanut butter granola bar thrown in for good measure.) I've gained a lot of weight recently, buy cheap Xenical no rx. San Diego, California. Dallas, Texas. San Antonio, Texas, And of course, I did have major surgery five months ago.

I think there was more to it than all that, købe Xenical online, αγοράζουν online Xenical. The fact of the matter is, I'm not the same person I used to be.

One of the things that shocked me about starting hormones was just how much muscle mass I lost in a relatively short time, BUY Xenical ONLINE NO PRESCRIPTION. Xenical for sale, I never needed to worry about binding my breasts (Not that there was a lot to bind. Then, Xenical 75mg, Xenical 800mg, 875mg, 900mg, I mean.) because my suits and dress shirts suddenly got huge on me. And I also stopped doing a lot of physical activity after a few months on HRT, buy Xenical online cod, Where can i order Xenical without prescription, so I wasn't really keeping track of how much I was changing. (I dropped my gym membership after about six months because I couldn't stand using the men's locker room anymore, Austin, Texas, Memphis, Tennessee, Xenical pharmacy, which meant that I stopped biking into work--about a 6.5 mile ride each way; in any case, I wasn't pushing myself anywhere close to what I had done before hormones.)

So I think that a lot of what I learned once before I'm going to have to unlearn, comprar en línea Xenical, comprar Xenical baratos, Buy Xenical without prescription, because the strength (and endurance, until I get my wind back) just isn't there anymore; a big part of my "failures" yesterday was trying to do things as if nothing had changed, australia, uk, us, usa. Xenical 150mg, But it has.

This isn't really a bad thing, because one of the reasons I decided to go back to aikido is that it is the only martial art I know of with a philosophy against domination--and as you may have gleaned, where can i buy cheapest Xenical online, Xenical samples, my current project is to find ways to live without dominating other human beings. My first dojo had a definite macho air about it, Xenical 200mg, Indianapolis, Indiana, San Francisco, California, and I learned to use my strength--not that I was Conan or something--in ways that let me blow past a lot of the deeper philosophical lessons of aikido, like blending with your partner or using her energy against her instead of using your own.

So like everything else related to my transition, kjøpe Xenical online, bestill Xenical online, New York. Los Angeles, California, this is a learning moment. And I hope I can really learn from it--maybe I'll even be able to survive the whole class tomorrow.

I hope so--I have a peanut butter Twix bar waiting for me when I do.

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Blog note: I had wanted to start another new weekly feature, Xenical 100mg, Buy Xenical without a prescription, "Evil Willow's Weekly Web Round Up," which will have some snark--er, Xenical in cats, dogs, children, Xenical 500mg, witty--commentary on the dreck that Google Reader finds for me, but for once there's a paucity of teh stoopid on the nets right now--and a surfeit of actual, where can i order Xenical without prescription, El Paso, Texas. Washington, D.C. Seattle, Washington, horrifying evil. So it can wait til next week..