May 20, 2010 by


Categories: adventures in transition, all about me, double bound, failings, how to tell if you've transitioned, the tiniest violin in the world


I've been away a bit. Not completely away, CLOXAZOLAM pharmacy, I've written a thing or two here and there. But I haven't written much of late.

I have an excuse, for what it's worth, purchase CLOXAZOLAM for sale.

The excuse is that I was depressed to the point of...well, of taking rather irrevocable action to solve my depression, BUY CLOXAZOLAM NO PRESCRIPTION.

Now, that would be kind of hasty, Get CLOXAZOLAM, I think. But I was down so far that I couldn't really see up anymore.

The thing is, I got laid off at the end of March, CLOXAZOLAM from canadian pharmacy. The job sucked, so I didn't miss it, CLOXAZOLAM interactions, but I sure as heck missed the money. BUY CLOXAZOLAM NO PRESCRIPTION, Because coupled with my previous client's habit of not paying my invoices until I screamed and turned blue, and then being out of work for two months, my savings were pretty thin. And I'd been using my paychecks from the last gig to reduce some of my debt, so that I could live cheaper than I do, in case this kind of thing happened again, real brand CLOXAZOLAM online. Which is a great plan, but it blew up in my face when I got laid off after only ten weeks. CLOXAZOLAM pics, I don't have to tell you it's hard out there. It's hard, even if your day job is a fairly skilled position, and in one of the few segments of the economy that's making a come back, buy CLOXAZOLAM online no prescription. Even so, it's hard out there, BUY CLOXAZOLAM NO PRESCRIPTION. I would send out resumes and work the phones but only a trickle would come back. I had one or two interviews but no second interviews. Order CLOXAZOLAM online c.o.d, At some point I realized that I was between six and ten weeks from being bankrupt, and losing everything I've spent the last fifteen years building.

I have to stop myself there. BUY CLOXAZOLAM NO PRESCRIPTION, What I am complaining about is still incredibly privileged. I'd lose my home, doses CLOXAZOLAM work, but I wouldn't be homeless--my family can easily put me up, and a friend of mine would do the same. Low dose CLOXAZOLAM, That's one thing.

Another is...that I'm complaining about the fact that I just wouldn't be able to live in my expensive (now--it wasn't when I moved in) neighborhood in Manhattan. I mean, boo fucking hoo, buy cheap CLOXAZOLAM, yeah. That would only be something I'd share with all but 1.8 million people in the world, BUY CLOXAZOLAM NO PRESCRIPTION. This is not a tragedy. CLOXAZOLAM price, coupon, But all the same, it felt like one. This apartment has been my home for over eight years; it's where I lived with someone for the first time, where I got my first pets as an adult, CLOXAZOLAM over the counter, the place where I'd come home to a person I loved, the place where I decided to transition and the place where I made that happen. Online buy CLOXAZOLAM without a prescription, And the neighborhood feels the same to me; I've lived within three blocks of this apartment for the last fifteen years. BUY CLOXAZOLAM NO PRESCRIPTION, And too this is the only place I've ever wanted to live, and I've sacrificed (some) to get here.

And was shocking how quickly it could all get swept away. Three months could do it. That seemed shocking, CLOXAZOLAM australia, uk, us, usa.

There was other stuff too. Between the fall and the last two months, this is the longest I've been out of work as an adult, BUY CLOXAZOLAM NO PRESCRIPTION. I've had a job of some kind since I was seventeen. CLOXAZOLAM treatment, I've always found a way to get some work in the door.

So all that, plus our threadbare economy, had me down, CLOXAZOLAM no prescription. But there was some other stuff. BUY CLOXAZOLAM NO PRESCRIPTION, And I think I need to talk about this, because it is a feminist issue, because it is something I can comment on maybe more than other people.

That was the two strikes (at least) I had against me: that I was a woman trying to get a job in technology, Cheap CLOXAZOLAM, and that I was a trans woman trying to get a job in technology.

All that stuff you may have heard about how much harder it is for women just to look professional is true. A stupid example: getting an interview would cost me at least ten bucks, because I'd go and get my nails done, where can i buy cheapest CLOXAZOLAM online, because I can't put a sheer color on myself and have it look good, and because where I was looking for work, CLOXAZOLAM overnight, women at my professional level don't wear colored nail polish.

Okay, that's a privilege thing, and maybe just my own prejudices, CLOXAZOLAM class. But when you have big hands (and you worry about what people might conclude about that), you do your best to not draw attention to them either from lack of care or for flamboyance, BUY CLOXAZOLAM NO PRESCRIPTION.

Anyway. I had other stupid image issues. Where can i find CLOXAZOLAM online, I haven't been able to afford a decent hair cut in a while now--and a bad haircut would be held against me far more than it would a man--so I had to either try to blow it out and go long, or pin it up and hope I didn't look too masculine. I'll talk more about that in a bit, but: this is an issue for every professional woman, CLOXAZOLAM dangers, and it's one of the cruelest of the catch-22s of patriarchy. BUY CLOXAZOLAM NO PRESCRIPTION, To wit: professionalism is defined by men's dress codes. So they tend to make women look more masculine. No prescription CLOXAZOLAM online, But you can't look too masculine. But you don't want to look too feminine either. It's the same dynamic as the pointless manicures: don't get your nails done, and you look too butch and like you can't be bothered to be professional, comprar en línea CLOXAZOLAM, comprar CLOXAZOLAM baratos. But have red nails and you might be too feminine, BUY CLOXAZOLAM NO PRESCRIPTION. And so it goes.

These are of course my prejudices. Where to buy CLOXAZOLAM, People can and do make either end of the spectrum work. But it's a much tougher, much more individual struggle than it is for most men. That BUY CLOXAZOLAM NO PRESCRIPTION, you're getting straight from the horse.

Of course the other part of butch vs femme, CLOXAZOLAM trusted pharmacy reviews, masculine vs feminine for me was worrying about being read as trans. If my hair is up, CLOXAZOLAM wiki, I don't have to worry about it looking too bad, but will it make my face look too masculine. My pumps are my most neutral dress shoes, but do they make me too tall, after CLOXAZOLAM. Will my voice hold up for an entire interview. Will they know, BUY CLOXAZOLAM NO PRESCRIPTION. Will they care. It doesn't really matter that I live in a place where there are workplace protections for trans people. I'd never be able to prove anything.

I'm not really making that up, not that you would think I am. There was this study BUY CLOXAZOLAM NO PRESCRIPTION, by Make the Road New York which is pretty depressing in just how blatant the discrimination is. And yeah, I know, it was retail, right CL. I mean customers public face corporate image. Surely it's different in other jobs.

Surely you jest. You think if people aren't comfortable buying jeans from a trans lady that having one be your CTO is going to make people more comfortable, BUY CLOXAZOLAM NO PRESCRIPTION.

Or to put it more simply: everywhere I went I hoped they didn't make me fill out a formal job application. Because then I'd have to give my social security number and Ghu knows what they'd be able to find out; sure, I fixed that and my driver's license, but even with letters to my credit bureaus, that stuff just lasts forever.

This story has a happy ending. I finally found a small place where I was able to meet with the guys doing the hiring right away and I hit it off with them. BUY CLOXAZOLAM NO PRESCRIPTION, And two days later they offered me a job that will pay my bills and even get me out of debt. Which again makes me one privileged cat, one lucky ducky: and I'm very thankful.

But for a long time there I was really scared. And you want to know what one of my signs that I've transitioned is. I no longer am confident I'll always pull things out anymore, not like I used to be. And that's part of the reality of being a woman and being trans in the world today, BUY CLOXAZOLAM NO PRESCRIPTION.

So hey: where have I been in the meantime. Well, Below the Belt is on hiatus, but I'm now a blogger at You can read the two pieces I have up so far--about a trans woman and the crappy treatment the DC police gave her, and more about our favorite douchebags, Roman Polanski and Bernard Henri-Lévi.

And over on Tiger Beatdown, where I am somehow now the Senior (non)Contributor, I have this trifle about "The Tudors." Enjoy.



  1. Morag Eyrie

    Happy for you C.L.! And relieved for you.

    Really relating to a lot of this post. I am fairly recently freelance (about a year and a half) in a technical field, and I also find myself a bit more scared than I used to be about “pulling one out of the hat” (proper job or consultancy) when I need to. I am a cis woman, hence privileged that way- what I’ve noticed is how the ageing process chips away at ones acceptable line of femininity, professionally. They’ve just got us all, coming and going!

    It’s partly that femininity is defined in part as/by “youthfulness” by the culture. I think it’s also something to do with coming into your own, with some knowledge and experience and confidence and gravitas in a male-dominated field. This is much more threatening, or perhaps the word is disturbing or off-putting, than being one of the bright-young-things-up-and-coming. It doesn’t help that I went totally lesbo as I entered my middle years (after being an out and proud bisexual for most of my adult life). Sometimes I just don’t know how to pitch myself these days! And I’d never even considered the nails question- my cis privilege showing there- but I relate so much to those kinds of knife-edge decisions you talk about.

    Still, like you I’ve managed to pull one more out of the bag to keep me going for the time being- and some more offers have come in lately (that, frustratingly, I can’t take because the current job is too time-consuming- I wish the universe would spread ’em around the year a bit more, oh my anxiety levels!).

    Anyway, how glad I am to be hearing from you again and that things are looking up for you. I’m also grateful as ever for your wonderful thought-provoking writing.

    P.S. There was a blog post sometime in the last year about a woman freelancer who claims she got much more work, much more easily, when she posed as a man: by which I mean she sent in her resume as if she was a man; this was work where she didn’t actually have to meet clients in person. It was *so* depressing- so depressing in fact that I can’t be bothered digging it up at this time of night.

  2. Spatula

    Dear Cat, I am so pleased that you got a job! I know the OMG how long will my money last fear all too well, and I also get very depressed when this stressor occurs. And having to deal with the would-be employer’s reaction to trans stuff has got to be the suckiest cherry on top, ever.

    …I really enjoyed your piece on the Tudors.

  3. Christianne Benedict

    As a trans woman shading into middle age–well, more than shading; I’m there–I live in mortal fear of losing my job. I don’t have any kind of net. So I sympathize.

    The Polanski piece makes me feel guilty for paying to see The Ghost Writer a couple of months ago. I’m good at rationalizing, but when you get right down to it, you’re right about him and his position in the world.

    Anyway, I’m glad to hear that you’re getting back on your feet.


  4. Veronica Moonlit

    Congratulations on the new job.

    Personally, I would hope that the tech/IT field would be supportive of transfolks considering the goodly number of transgeeks, but there’s a fuckton of misogyny in said community.

  5. Steve

    Dear Cat, I am so pleased that you got a job! I know the OMG how long will my money last fear all too well, and I also get very depressed when this stressor occurs. And having to deal with the would-be employer’s reaction to trans stuff has got to be the suckiest cherry on top, ever.

    …I really enjoyed your piece on the Tudors.

  6. Mary Rae

    Glad to hear that things are looking up for you. We haven’t talked in what seems like forever (lost my numbers when my phone grew legs) and I was wondering how you have been.


  7. Emily

    Congratulations on the new job.

    Personally, I would hope that the tech/IT field would be supportive of transfolks considering the goodly number of transgeeks, but there’s a fuckton of misogyny in said community.